I have written blogs like this before, however, they were regarding even a part-time job. That and this blog will slowly eliminate jobs that would be too much for me. The disability judge will ask how my condition affects my ability to work. I need to prepare to give the right answer. I am having cold feet about my disability hearing. For example, in this article, I explain the issues that will stick out.

Because I have never had a job, they will ask that. I feel the right answer is due to my mind not being in the right state. Meaning, I am very sensitive to criticism and out of paranoia, I think the person is out to get me or what I did wasn’t good enough. I have an extreme fear of failure due to how people responded to my failures.

When I was little my aunt hit me or yelled at me when I made a small mistake or misunderstood what she said. She probably thought it was me being disobedient but I was very young, undiagnosed with autism. This will only come up if I am asked. I don’t wanna give them a 2-page essay. Of course, unless they need it. I struggled with reading. I struggled with remembering what I read about. I had gotten a D on my report card. My mom assumes I wasn’t trying when I wasn’t being taught how I could learn. She took away my PS2 and forbade me from watching SpongeBob until I got my grade up. And my mom wonders why I am afraid to fail. She acts as the world ended.

A better response would have helped me if my mom e-mailed the teacher and worked out a plan to tutor me. I had a D which would have been easier to bring up than an F. My extreme fear of failure will surely be my downfall for a job.

Imagine on a job being too afraid of failure and the repercussions that I just don’t wanna try? Most jobs are no room for error jobs.

I will get burned out fast having to work 5 days a week for 8 hours. Low-stress tolerance. High anxiety.

Now I will be asked have I tried applying for jobs. I think the better response is bringing up that program I tried and mention that it did not help me at all and I had to leave due to the coach putting too much pressure on me. I need explicit instructions.

I talk about the said program in this article.

The coach never mentioned how many applications we had to send in ( ex I expect you to send in 5 applications before each meeting) and the coach will pressure me saying ‘you need to be committed.’ ‘you need to commit.’ etc I was struggling as it is and the coaches’ lack of help didn’t help me. Unless she though the pressure she was putting on me was ‘help.’ I was clearly struggling and improperly placed as a result if that lady invalidating my autism but the coach adds more pressure rather than actually trying to help me. Clearly I can’t handle retail, fast-food, office jobs. I need help finding something I can handle which is what I thought the program would do. It seemed like it was more for people ready to go back to work.

I was so limited there are no jobs that I can handle.

If the judge mentions my gap in seeing a doctor, this is because the doctor I saw beforehand. Let’s call him DR. Tom. The office where Dr. Tom is thought I had Medicare (which I don’t) and stopped taking my card. Because hardly anyone takes Medicaid, I could not find another place.

Then my mom took me to another place and saw Dr. Sam, the whole time I was going over there, DR.Sam wasn’t locking into the system when I was going over there and the notes that she took. Then she left and the replacement did not help me. he’d invalidate my issues because ‘there is no record of it’ but a different doctor I’ve seen in the past would have it. He said I didn’t have Vertigo because ‘there is no record of it.’ I went to see the PCP the next day and they had it in the system since 2009. A doctor that arrogant could have been hurting my chances. If he just concludes that I just don’t have X because my form is different, that could have been hurting my chances and why I got denied so many times. If social security asked him for notes and just said I don’t have X. Of course, they will think I don’t need it.

I was going to see Dr. Sam twice a month even though she wasn’t locking it in. If I was working full-time I would not be able to take off that many times to go see the doctor. I needed my meds since I couldn’t get refills and had to see the doctor every time. A healthy person wouldn’t have to see a doctor as often as someone who is sick.


Due to my anxiety, I can only drive short distances, let’s say, a store that is down the street. A shop that is a few blocks away. Anything further, I need someone with me. Being in heavy traffic is a biggy. Ass hats blowing at me is the clincher. Some people have to go downtown to get to work ( I live in Chicago) if driving let’s say 1 mile alone makes me anxious then driving several miles to get to work every day would be too overwhelming.

I cannot handle jobs that:

  • are fast-paced
  • require you to work fast
  • with a lot of pressure
  • anything dealing with the public
  • anything that calls for switching tasks quickly
  • jobs that constantly change your schedule/position 
  • physically demanding jobs, jobs with long-standing/sitting periods.
  • Things that call for you to remember a lot. 

Depression leaves me drained. The meds I take make me sleepy. I would not be able to work an 8-hour shift without having to keep stopping for a break. For an office job, I would need to stop every so often for a mental break since it’s easy for me to get overloaded. If it’s a physical job I’d need to stop for a physical break since depression and an iron deficiency leaves me tired like I ran 5 miles.

There are several jobs that I would not be able to handle. Nothing that calls for you to remember a lot of things. I can also mention I don’t know what’s expected of me and need to know precisely. Being yelled at makes me wanna hurt myself. When I was struggling with a dance move, when I was on the flag girls team(in school) the coach screamed at me in front of the band, as a result, I starved myself to the point where I got sick and had to go to the ER.

That may be useful when the judge asks why can’t I be yelled at. Chances are he/she will bring it up or I can tell the lawyer and they can add it in. 

I will do an article on how autism keeps me from working. I did decide to build my blog as a potential job and being able to get disability benefits can help me invest in my blog like getting hosting. 

I will be saved from all of the things that will overwhelm me and make going to an actual job difficult. People think ‘I don’t have a choice’ if your disability gets in the way so much your employer eventually fires you or lets you go then you’re stuck. 

A vocational person will be there to narrow down jobs I can do. I think the odds are in my favor with the papers my doctors filled out. Say the doctor marked poor memory. Let’s say the VP had 10 jobs in mind. If they all call for you to remember a lot of stuff, then that is a point for me. Say the doctor marks sensitive to feedback, that can narrow down even more jobs since consumers can be critical and/or management.  I can’t change these things. Autism is neurological. It’s not the same as trying to lose weight to be healthy. Changing your diet and lifestyle.

I probably will update this blog as I go.  Having a job where I have to meet someone’s expectations vs having my own thing where people come to me if they like my stuff. Say I want to be a freelance writer, they will come if they like my style. I can pick a style that works for me and people will come along when they like it. On a job, I would have to do it how the boss wants me to. My brain won’t let me do it how they want me to. It’s like trying on a shoe that doesn’t fit.

Hence why I no longer want to cook or do anything because it has to be how my grandma wants it and I cannot take her nitpicking anymore.

I operate better if I can perform a task in a way that I can understand it.

aaliyahholt

It is my mission to replace stigmas with facts. There are so many stigmas and misinformation that surrounds autism. I am an aspiring writer who talks about autism and mental health. From sharing my experience to educating.

3 Comments

  1. Usually I don’t learn article on blogs, however I would like to say that this write-up very pressured me to try and do so!
    Your writing style has been surprised me. Thanks, very nice article.

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